"When Atticus was a baby..." or, On becoming a mother.

he'll be one soon. all babyhood stories will soon be told in the past tense.

some of the baby things he does are fading away, and some are already gone. most recently, he quit the hand-twirling and spitting. the spitting (think: soaked shirts) i can do without, but the hand-twirling will be missed. like he was casting a spell.

luckily, he still talks and talks when he thinks he's alone. maybe he always will.

and he still slaps his hands across the wood floor when he crawls (with one leg kept almost straight), and hums a very specific little tune to the rhythm.

after he's been really hungry, he still takes a short break from nursing to clap.

when he's waking up upset if i can get him his pacifier fast enough, he still raises his eyebrows and sucks and goes right back to sleep.

he still loves to bathe in his whale tub so that he can lean back and relax.

he still naps in his swing.

he still bobs his face against mine, mouth wide open, and says "aaahhh" to give kisses.

he buries his face in his blanket and sticks his bum in the air to go to sleep.

when i open the curtains in the morning, he crawls as fast as he can to the window to stand up and exclaim about the world outside.

he laughs at the dogs.

and if anyone jumps (even in cartoons).

oh man. i never want to forget these things.

i spent more time than i'd like to admit wishing that he would "catch up" with the other kids. he crawled late. started solid foods REALLY late. he's kind of a runt. but now i'd like to think that i can keep it in perspective and just enjoy him being my baby for as long as possible. (at least i'm not in a huge rush for him to walk! that's progress.)

furthermore, i thought that on that day almost a year ago, that i became a mother all at once, that very day. not so. apparently, "mother" is something you grow into. it'll take years. i have learned some things, like how to give up sleep and convenience. i'm starting to learn about others, like discipline and consistency. but i can only imagine the things i have still to learn.

i have spent so much of the past year grieving some things that happened in his second month. i wish so much that it hadn't taken away from the happiness of this year, but letmetellyouwhat. i also (just by luck) happened to do a lot of things i do not regret. i wouldn't trade any of the hours i spent:

holding him

helping him go to sleep

nursing him (even at 2 in the morning)

reading to him

watching him play

taking him to play outside

...for anything. no amount of "finally getting something done" would have been worth it.