Homeboy is so funny lately. He's pretending more and more. This morning he's playing with his new block set, and so far they have been phones, and the triangles have been "potzi" (pizza). Now he's playing with his train set, saying "poo-poooo." I guess he can't say choo choo yet. :)

It's such a relief to feel like I'm getting in the groove of this stay-at-home mom thing. I'm learning that it's more fun to drop my agendas and busy plans and perfectionism. He'll only be this little once, and Olive will be here in 4 months. Of course I can't wait for her, but I'm not going to waste these last few months with just me and him. Not that I have it all together, or anything together really, but I'm starting to really enjoy it. I love spending my days with him. I try to think of something fun to do together every day. Some days it's only building a tower with blocks to knock down, but it helps me. And him. These are my toddler ideas:

1. Make houses with cushions, chair backs, and blankets. And go in with him.

2. Bake together, and clean up later. It's way more fun for both of us when I don't freak out about messes.

3. On a warmer day, go for a walk. We only made it about 100 yards and it took about half an hour. He collected lots of sticks and rocks and wanted me to save them for him. They're still sitting in a pile on the porch.

4. Talk about the pretty Christmas tree and rearrange the ornaments.

5. Play the piano.

6. Include him in everything. He likes to come downstairs when I do laundry, and he likes to push the swiffer sweeper around the house.

7. His Christmas present came in a box big enough for him to walk into, so David gave him the markers and let him do cave paintings. He also covered his clothes in red marker, but at least it's washable!

Last night we all got into jammies, got some peppermint hot chocolate, picked up Gramma Gail and drove through the lights display at First Church of the Nazarene. He loved it. "Ook! Pretty ights." That was our second time taking him on a Christmas lights drive. I was afraid he wouldn't really get it yet, but he does! I have great memories of doing that as a kid, and I hope he will too.

"When Atticus was a baby..." or, On becoming a mother.

he'll be one soon. all babyhood stories will soon be told in the past tense.

some of the baby things he does are fading away, and some are already gone. most recently, he quit the hand-twirling and spitting. the spitting (think: soaked shirts) i can do without, but the hand-twirling will be missed. like he was casting a spell.

luckily, he still talks and talks when he thinks he's alone. maybe he always will.

and he still slaps his hands across the wood floor when he crawls (with one leg kept almost straight), and hums a very specific little tune to the rhythm.

after he's been really hungry, he still takes a short break from nursing to clap.

when he's waking up upset if i can get him his pacifier fast enough, he still raises his eyebrows and sucks and goes right back to sleep.

he still loves to bathe in his whale tub so that he can lean back and relax.

he still naps in his swing.

he still bobs his face against mine, mouth wide open, and says "aaahhh" to give kisses.

he buries his face in his blanket and sticks his bum in the air to go to sleep.

when i open the curtains in the morning, he crawls as fast as he can to the window to stand up and exclaim about the world outside.

he laughs at the dogs.

and if anyone jumps (even in cartoons).

oh man. i never want to forget these things.

i spent more time than i'd like to admit wishing that he would "catch up" with the other kids. he crawled late. started solid foods REALLY late. he's kind of a runt. but now i'd like to think that i can keep it in perspective and just enjoy him being my baby for as long as possible. (at least i'm not in a huge rush for him to walk! that's progress.)

furthermore, i thought that on that day almost a year ago, that i became a mother all at once, that very day. not so. apparently, "mother" is something you grow into. it'll take years. i have learned some things, like how to give up sleep and convenience. i'm starting to learn about others, like discipline and consistency. but i can only imagine the things i have still to learn.

i have spent so much of the past year grieving some things that happened in his second month. i wish so much that it hadn't taken away from the happiness of this year, but letmetellyouwhat. i also (just by luck) happened to do a lot of things i do not regret. i wouldn't trade any of the hours i spent:

holding him

helping him go to sleep

nursing him (even at 2 in the morning)

reading to him

watching him play

taking him to play outside

...for anything. no amount of "finally getting something done" would have been worth it.